A Look Inside Anxiety

Anxiety attacks are relatively new in my life.  I have suffered from depression and appreciate the help that I receive from medications so that the lows aren’t so low and the highs aren’t so high.  But about two years ago I suffered from my first anxiety attack and it has provided me new insight into folks walking around in the world.

It is physical.  If it was just mental, or even a response to a stressful situation it wouldn’t be a concern.  In those cases, as a counselor myself, I would make an appointment with my therapist to work it through.  But it’s the physical response that is most disconcerting.

I suffer from allergies.  A few years back I had cause to use Epinephrine for the first time. When they injected it into my thigh every nerve ending began to jump.  My toes, my fingers, my eyes, my everything was electrified.  Of course, at that point it was doing exactly what it needed to do and my lungs opened and I could breathe and the nerve jumping sensation went away in rather short order.

I have been living with that sensation for six days.  I am experiencing a constant release of adrenaline that is making my insides shake.  This would be helpful if, in fact, I was being chased by a Saber Tooth Tiger but I am in no danger – there is nothing that I need to flee from.  My only release is walking quickly and often (I’m too afraid to go to a driving range – I might throw the clubs).  I would do more physical activities except that I’m exhausted – the adrenaline does not allow me to rest.

I have had some bouts of crying.  Even though I know that the tears are caused by the anxiety it’s still disturbing that I can’t seem to stop.  But tears I can handle.  Sadness I can navigate.

But the way that I want to throw things is harder.  I want to throw things at the TV, at my neighbours, at slow drivers on the roads.  I want to play bumper cars on MacLeod Trail and yell at the cashier at the store.  Why?  For no good reason.  For the fact that they have not responded in the manner that I wanted them too.  I am angry, all the time.  It’s all I can do to manage conversations with people who care about me, never mind strangers or even people at my job.

I saw the doctor and we have a plan.  We think that this new thing in my life might be related to changing hormones as I enter peri-menopause. Nice one God.  We’ll have to talk about this later.

But here’s what has become clear to me.  You know those guys who cut you off in traffic and slam on their brakes just daring you to hit them?  They feel like I feel.  That idiot in the supermarket who is yelling at the staff about a missing item?  She’s feeling what I’m feeling.  The board member who storms out half way through the meeting or the staff person who puts a do not disturb message on their phone for no reason?  At least those people know that they are in no condition to be in contact with other humans – I know just how they feel.

I have a new sympathy for those who may be experiencing clinical anxiety – those who don’t have the resources or language to have it properly diagnosed.

There is help.  It is not a personality flaw or a deficit in character.  If you feel as though you’re being chased by a tiger but in fact, you’re sitting on your couch in a home that is safe, call your doctor.  You too may have an adrenaline release that doesn’t know how to shut off.  It can be quieted.  You can be calmer.  You can feel safer.  Promise.  You simply need to ask.