If it could happen to me...

Warning – long post.
This morning I had a meeting with a family – a counseling session of sorts.  It’s been a while since I’ve done such a thing in a formal setting and it was good to be back.  The topic of the session was of great interest to me…it was about abusive relationships and I found myself being sucked back through a time warp to some 25 years ago.

I met this young couple at a marriage preparation course in the fall.  While I was speaking about family violence, a session where I share my own slippery fall into an abusive relationship, she wept openly and her fiancé consoled her.  After the weekend she called to share the story of her sister who was in an abusive relationship with an older man and had cut all ties to family and friends…and they wanted my advice on how to proceed.
No pressure.

This morning I heard “we went to the apartment and saw that none of her things were there – only his”.  I was back all of those years ago watching myself live in a home that was never mine surrounded by things that only belonged to him…

I heard “he told her to quit school – that it wasn’t worth it and that they money for her work had to go straight to him to pay the bills”.  Yup.  I did that.  Handed over every penny.

I heard “she told us that he had encouraged her to break all ties with family because we (the family) only caused her hurt and only he could save her”.  I was sucked back into that place where I thought that only he loved me and that only I could love him enough to heal him.

I heard “he told us that his ex-wife and mother of his child was evil and had stolen everything that had once belonged to him”. Again, I remember all of the lies that I was told about the evil Maggie and how it wasn’t until years later that I found just how untrue they all were.

I heard “they say that they are fucking their brains out and have everything that they need in each other”. Oh, I remember oh so well believing that I should be grateful that he “made do” with my inadequate body enough to teach me how to have sex… The humiliation was the worst.  The feelings of never being good enough still occasionally linger.

I heard, oh I heard.  I heard this family tell me of their beloved sister and daughter and how they worry for her very safety.  As they should.  She is in a terribly unsafe situation.  It started off innocently enough but now that she’s this far in the web is so tightly woven that with each passing day it is harder for her to leave.

Be patient, I tell them.  The biggest gift that I every received was the absolute knowledge that my friends and family that I had for years snubbed, ignored and avoided would be there in an instant when I finally had the strength to leave.  And they were.  In a heart-beat they all showed up and had me moved out in a matter of hours.
Let her know you still love her, I tell them.  It was the smallest acts of kindness and reaching out that at once reminded me of my inadequacies in staying and reassured me that I was loveable outside of that toxic, nasty relationship.

Send her a quick text.  Respond with no judgment to any communication that you receive from her.  Love her and indicate that you will always, always love her no matter what she’s done.
I know all to well that someone who is being abused cannot be “convinced” to leave.  They must realize it on their own and then have the ability to reach out for help to do so.

I know.  I remember.  And now, after all of these years, my story has helped another family as they journey through the devastation of abuse.  I pray that she finds her way out safely...and soon.

It was awful.  And I wouldn’t change a thing.
Thanks for reading.