Job Description

The following was written and the end of a very bad day. I first must assure everyone that I LOVE my job but there are moments when I wonder what I've gotten myself into! My clergy friends assure me that this is not just my story...

Wanted
A caring, compassionate, articulate, intuitive, intelligent, spiritual individual to lead a Christian Community.
They must be able to have a personal connection with all 150 people in the community. This will include but is not limited to knowing each person’s life story paying special attention to anniversaries of joys, deaths and birthdays. Each person will have personal contact each week with the leader where they can share the details of their own lives as well as be personally informed of everything that is happening at the Church, preferably at the end of each Sunday service.
The victorious applicant will joyfully attend all Church functions and monthly meetings of every committee. They will pray and provide meaningful input and will coordinate all special events to ensure that there are enough other joyful volunteers.
The lucky candidate will offer meaningful education opportunities to the entire community and spend hours in preparation of same even though only one person shows up every other week.
The successful applicant must be proficient in all areas of administration. They will be familiar with all day to day functions of the Church including all accounts and the approximate amount paid out to each bill monthly. As well, they will be responsible to ensure that the monthly costs remain the same or below that of parishioners home expenses. All such information must be memorized so that questions from the community can be answered immediately.
The person who gets the job must be able to successfully chair meetings, ensuring that the needs of every one of the 150 parishioners are met through each successful motion.
The one who’s hired will intuitively know the needs of everyone in the community. They will never speak in any manner other than loving acceptance and will never show frustration. They will contact any member who is having difficulty in any way even though no one informed them of the situation.
They must know who gave what to the Church, in what year and in who’s memory and ensure that each of these items is lovingly cleaned and kept visible in perpetuity.
The poor applicant will be expected to preach a meaningful message strictly based on Scripture at least twice on a Sunday. Each sermon must be personally meaningful and relevant to each person in the group and must never offend. Oh yeah, this sermon must be composed in the last ten minutes available out of the expected 80 hour work week.
This poor sucker will be paid less than anyone else with an equal education and must be willing to sacrifice all family and personal relationships.
Reply in writing.
P.S. They must also be able to shovel snow, change the signs, repair plumbing and do general building maintenance. All of these duties are to be performed in proper business attire which includes a clergy shirt and a dress jacket.
Good luck.